Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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