Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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