I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
