Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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