I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
