Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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