She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
