I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
