I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
