So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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