I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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