You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
