Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
