dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You ate ashes out of my bong
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
