Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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