So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
