how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
