I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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