I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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