Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
