Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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