I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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