captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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