the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
