There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
