You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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