Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
sarcasm needs its own font
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize