i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
