I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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