I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
