i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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