Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
