Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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