Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
