we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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