Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
