I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
