remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
