There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
