the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
