It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize