youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
