the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
