Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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