I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
