It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
