Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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