She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I wish there were birth control emojis
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
