what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
