I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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