So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
