dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
