i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
