you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
