Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
