So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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