Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
