these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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