i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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