her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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