I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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