She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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