ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize
